Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The Hearing

JUDGE JONES, in wig: If she weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood, and is therefore a witch.

CROWD in court: A witch!

WITCH: It's a fair cop.

CROWD: Burn her! Burn! [yelling]

Judge: BANGS GAVEL. Next.

Bailiff: The matter of Landis, Floyd, m' lord.

Judge: Ah, yes. Landis. You are charged with wearing an unauthorized and unlawful orange jersey, a heretical offense unto Euskadin. Are you prepared to accept your sanction?

Landis: [dressed in cycling garb with yellow jersey.] No, sir.

Judge: No? No!? You stand before us accused and say you are not prepared to accept your sanction?

Landis: No, sir; I never wore an orange jersey. It's the same one I'm wearing now.

Judge: Indeed. Prosecutor, the evidence, if you please.

PROSECUTOR CLEESE: Yes, your lordship. Here we have a pictograph taken in the afternoon of the 17th of this month, and you can clearly see that the jersey the accused is wearing is Orange.

Landis: May I see that, please?

Prosecutor: Oh, if you must, but it won't change the result. Pictographs are infallible you know. While you do your pointless looking, I will discuss your sanction with his Lordship.

Freddy, I think we should give him two years of silly walking.

Judge: Oh, I like that. Good idea Dicky.

CROWD: Burn him! Burn him!

Judge: BANGS GAVEL. No, no, that is for a second offense.

Landis: Excuse me sir, the jersey in this picture isn't orange it's yellow, sir.

Prosecutor: No, that's not possible. The pictograph is infallible, as true as a confession obtained through torture.

Landis: Excuse me sir, but this sheet in the background showing should be white, your lordship, and it is pink. All the colors in this picture have shifted red so the yellow jersey I was wearing appears to be orange, but it wasn't really sir.

Prosecutor: Objection! Irrelevant technicality. Immaterial and Incompetent!

Judge: Sustained.

Landis: Well sir, the Jersey itself sir, in the pictograph here, seems to have been scribbled over by an orange crayon.

Prosecutor: The defendant is not allowed to challenge the
pictographic evidence!

Judge: Sustained. Look Mr. Landis, this will go a lot easier if you just confess.

CROWD: CONFESS! CONFESS!!

Judge: BANGS GAVEL. Silence!

Prosecutor: Now Mr. Landis. Answer me these questions, three. One!
What is your favorite color?

Landis: Yellow.

Prosecutor: Two. What do you seek?

Landis: My honor and ratification of my victory.

Prosecutor: Three. What is the groundspeed velocity of the deadly squirrel?

Landis: European, or North American?

Prosecutor: I don't know.

THE PROSECUTOR IGNITES IN FLAMES

CROWD: BURN HIM! BURN!!!

Judge: Never liked him anyway. All right, Off you go.

Landis: This is a silly place.


via rant your head off and trust but verify


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